Last year, I somehow ended up getting included on a bunch of internal e-mail discussions for a company called "Statewide Remodeling". I had some fun with the situation, and posted the results here: Statewide Remodeling Chronicles.

Just two weeks after posting that, the company included me on an e-mail discussion again. This time, though, the employee I was e-mailing with really, really did not share my sense of humor about the situation. It has been nearly 8 months now, and I haven't heard from Statewide again. I think Statewide has finally permanently removed me from their internal e-mails - based on the last conversation, though, I can't say I'm surprised.

I'm disappointed, but the final e-mail conversation was nothing short of epic. I even get accused of fraud! What follows is the e-mail conversation that ended the "Statewide Remodeling Chronicles".

As usual, all names have been changed to protect the foolish.

One glorious afternoon, this landed in my inbox:

July 7th, "Master bathroom"

Further to our meeting this afternoon, please note the following:
1. Two-level granite top in bathroom is ok. Sink level at 31.5
2. Cabinet in make-up area needs also lower to 31.5
3. Brian, since you offered, please get the paint. It is Sherwin Williams 
SW 6224 Mountain Air. Ceiling to be painted same color as the walls in the bathroom.
4. Please find a solution for the shower head.
5. Granite on pony wall next to the window will be replaced.
6. "Kitchen" cabinet in bathroom will have normal drawer.

Thank you
Pierre Naguel

I, of course, was excited and eager to help Pierre. I didn't want to keep Pierre waiting, so I answered almost immediately. I had never heard of Pierre in my previous conversations, and I figured Pierre thought I was Brian (there were a few other people in the e-mail, too). I responded with this:

Pierre -
See my responses below:

> On Thu, Jul 25, 2013 at 5:38 PM, from Pierre
> Further to our meeting this afternoon, please note the following:

>   1. Two-level granite top in bathroom is ok. Sink level at 31.5
>   2. Cabinet in make-up area needs also lower to 31.5

No problem. I have no idea who is going to be able to reach
those at 31.5 feet high, but sure thing.

>   3. Brian, since you offered, please get the paint. It is Sherwin
       Williams SW 6224 Mountain Air. Ceiling to be painted same color as
       the walls in the bathroom.

I just handled it. I purchased 50 lbs of mountain air. You wouldn't believe
how expensive it is to just ship air that has been pumped into bags on top
of the Alps. I guess 50 lbs is a lot of air or something.

>   4. Please find a solution for the shower head.

Guys, there is only ever one answer to this:

Model # 58002-5016
Internet # 202963113 

>   5. Granite on pony wall next to the window will be replaced.
Turns out the pony didn't want the wall there, so we just knocked it down.

>   6. "Kitchen" cabinet in bathroom will have normal drawer.
Doesn't make any sense to have a kitchen cabinet in the 
bathroom, so we tore it down and burned it.

Regards,
Brian

Pierre's first response was a good indication of what was to come. He really did not share my sense of humor.

I wanted to be sure Pierre knew I was taking the situation very seriously.

Pierre -

> On Thu, Jul 25, 2013 at 6:47 PM, from Pierre:
>   If this is a joke, it is in bad taste for some serious problems! This is
    no laughing matter, so explain your responses.

My apologies. I didn't know you needed the mountain air delivered so
quickly.

I have purchased a fleet of carrier pigeons to deliver the bags of air to
you as soon as possible. It was at a pretty high cost to the company (each
bird can only carry like a quarter of a pound), but this seems important to
you.

Regards,
Brian

All of these e-mails were exchanged within the course of 3-4 hours. I then didn't hear back from Pierre until the next day, when he sent me this:

Ben-

Your responses to my e-mail (which was obviously not for you) show
a maturity of a mediocre middle-school kid. Your profile indicates that you
are a computer engineer and engineering manager at Ettus Research but you
obviously skipped the class on ethics in electronic communication. Also, you
committed fraud by signing your e-mail with a name that is not yours.  If
your work is at the same level as your emails, then I feel sorry for your
employer/clients.  Grow up and take responsibility.

Haha, amazing. So, at this point, I thought about pointing out to him that it was he that had e-mailed me, that he clearly had no idea what 'fraud' was, and the onus was on him, as an employee of Statewide, to protect their private information by not sending it to random strangers.

But, my communication with him made me somewhat suspicious. I dug around and found him online. It turns out Pierre is in his 70s, still working, and judging by his presence on the Internet, he is generally a crotchety fellow. I decided it was just too mean to troll him further, and so responded with this:

Dear Pierre -

I prefer to be thought of as at least an above-average middle school kid.
I hope you have a nice day =)

Cheers,
Ben

That was nine months ago. I never heard from Pierre again, and I also haven't received any more e-mails from Statewide. I have a feeling Pierre made sure no one would e-mail me again, hah.

Unfortunately, I think this is the end of the Statewide Remodeling Chronicles. It was a good run, and fun. Hopefully good old Pierre will forgive me one day, and maybe we can be Internet friends.